


Core and Longing

by Pennatus



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Day 2, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental bonds, Unrequited Love, VoltronPolyWeek, kind of an implied longing for an OT5 if you squint, trust me guys it's not pretty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 15:15:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8757724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennatus/pseuds/Pennatus
Summary: Shiro can't tell anymore, where he begins and where the Black Lion ends, where he sees and feels and where the Black Lion
wants
what he doesn't
(or does he)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Voltron Polyshipping Week: Day 2 | Jealousy | Lions

It was more of a feeling than anything else.

Even that didn't do it justice. It was more deep set than that, instinctual, like a resonation deep in his core. Something he couldn't rationalize with his thoughts but was nonetheless present.

The Black Lion was upset.

...was _jealous_.

Shiro was incredulous but he couldn't define this sensation of guilt and anger and hurt and sadness that coursed through him any other way. It was...difficult. At first there had been a kind of separation between him and his Lion. A line in the sand he could draw and say where his mind began and the alien one ended.

But now it was all tangled up inside his head, his brain feeding him thoughts and sensations and strategies that weren't entirely his own. It made his connection deeper, stronger - but it blurred the line between who he was, _Takashi Shirogane_ or _the Black Paladin_. It meant he'd be calmly discussing something one moment and the next he was catching his breath as a feeling of being helplessly _upset_ washed over him. Or that he'd look down at his taped hands and realized he'd been training with so much force the skin was a brilliant red of blood and irritation.

It meant he wasn't exactly sure who he was anymore.

(That didn't mean much to him. He wasn't even sure of who he'd been.)

The frustrating thing was he wasn't even certain of the cause behind the emotion. The Lions were cryptic, sure, but they tried to help and they tried to communicate. It was like - the Black Lion was _sulking_. Looking around and seeing something it didn't like, and sulking.

Looking around -

\--

Shiro took his helmet off and set it on the dash. "Lance? And Keith? Really?"

His Lion didn't respond, but he didn't really expect otherwise. Now that he saw it, it was obvious. The tightening in his stomach when they formed. The driving thuds in his chest when they went off together. The dryness in his mouth at the sight of them - training together, eating together, arguing together - **together** -

Shiro takes a slow, deep breath. Then another. And another, trying to collect his thoughts, trying to collect himself.

Then suddenly - are these even the Black Lion's thoughts? How can he know that for sure? He can barely tell them apart anymore, has difficulty saying "Black Lion" instead of "us" or "we" or _me_. What if this is just himself? What if he's the one with this dark feeling, this insidiousness? Does he really feel that way? His teammates - his friends - his - he doesn't even know, he just loves them all _so much_ , needs them, and to feel this way about any of them -

Shiro curls up, putting his forehead on the console, his stomach twisting in knots. He feels sick. He feels dirty. He feels as though he's failed, begrudging two of the people he cares about so much a chance at happiness. What they have is so beautiful and - why wouldn't they deserve it? Why would they not want this piece of normalcy amongst all the blood, and fighting, and uncertainty? Why would they ever want to change what they created, something so perfect, to include something broken?

Why would they ever want him?

He's actually heaving now, clapping a hand over his mouth in a effort to fight down the bile crawling up just throat. He isn't good enough for them, he isn't - he is, but - he can't ruin something that - he just wants to protect his team, why don't they love him -

He realizes he's sobbing now, broken and echoing around the Lion, and he's terrified, something deep and primal that makes him curl up and squeeze his eyes shut to try and stop the tears. His thoughts are an absolute mess, racing around each other with no end in sight, building and thriving off his uncertainly and fear. He doesn't know what's happening. He doesn't know what he wants - he wants it to end, he wants to stop - he - he's just so overwhelmed, it's too much, he needs

_more_

 

**_stop_ **

 

The silence is deafening. It slithers into his ears and hangs in his mind like a shroud. Shiro can hear every shuddering breath he takes, each cracked hiccup, each ounce of blood racing through him. He's shaking all over, cold, alone.

 

Alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I AM SO SORRY SHIRO
> 
> I was like I just write a cute little Shiro/Keith/Lance and they will all love each other and it will be fine and nO I JUST HAD TO RUIN EVERYTHING
> 
> I just always hear about how sharing a mind with something would be super cool (which it would be) but part of me wonders if it would be super scary??? Like. What are these thoughts, are they my thoughts? Are they not? Do you lose a sense of identity? Who do you actually end up being?
> 
> I am sure everyone out there is a way better writer so if you want to know more about the prompt (what I think of as the prompt anyways, these are basically my notes about the story): so this is basically a study on Shiro's mind melding with the Black Lion's to the point where Shiro can't tell them apart. This causes a problem, because the Black Lion can sense Shiro's love and is angry at Keith and Lance for getting together without Shiro. This bleeds into Shiro's mind and gets all messed up in his head along with old memories of pain and fear and his current feelings of sacrifice and uselessness and fear of his own body/self. Basically his mind goes haywire trying to sort it all out, causing him to have a breakdown. The Black Lion, sensing his agony, leaves his mind but that is a terrible shock and just leaves Shiro feeling more alone than ever.
> 
> (Feel free to use my prompt in any way - you don't need my permission, but it'd be super cool if I could see any works inspired by this! ^w^ )
> 
> Please check out the [Voltron Polyshipping Week AO3 page](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/VoltronPolyshippingWeek2016) and the [Voltron Polyshipping Week tumblr](http://voltronpolyweek.tumblr.com)!


End file.
